“I am what I am, Leila. If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else’s.” – Spock
This was the episode it really hit home as to why I identified so deeply with the character of Spock. At this point, I’m 24 episodes into the Original Series and Spock has been my favourite character since the start.
I’d convinced myself it was obviously because he was the smart, nerdy one whose wit and subtle sarcasm was on point (“Take D’Artagnan here to sickbay!” – Spock, ‘The Naked Time’ S01E04’ – TOS, is such an underrated line)
But there was a deeper and slightly darker reason he resonated with me… Eloquently summed up in the line at the top of this article, Spock was choosing to live half a life, hiding a side of himself from the world because he couldn’t reconcile it within himself and had been taught it was something to be ashamed (CBS) of.
Of course for Spock, this was the inner turmoil between his human and Vulcan sides but for me, this was a young gay man struggling to share his sexuality with the world and still be seen as the same person.
I was an outsider, just like Spock. Ironically, we weren’t outsiders because of the things we believed made us different but because we’d chosen to be outsiders, to live on the fringes never really letting anyone in or anyone knowing us because we were both ashamed and scared of aspects of ourselves.
Two episodes that really showcase this are ‘The Naked Time’ and ‘This Side of Paradise‘. In a scene between Kirk and Spock in ‘The Naked Time’ where Spock admits to feeling ashamed when he feels friendship for Kirk and that he has spent a lifetime learning to hide his feelings.
Watching a scene between two male characters where one admits feelings (albeit friendship) for the other was mind-blowing and Spock’s tearful admission of having to hide these feelings made my own eyes well up because it was all too familiar, and I understood that pain all too well.
And in ‘This Side of Paradise’, watching Spock under the influence of the spores is free to show the parts of himself he kept hidden. Star Trek has a knack for simple yet deeply meaningful lines that can really strike a chord.
The very first line spoken by Spock after the spores had taken hold “I love you. I can love you” (-Spock, This Side of Paradise S01E24 – TOS), let me write that again “I can love you”.
To anybody on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, who’s struggled with their identity or coming out, it’s hard to express just what hearing those words can mean.
Now whilst both these episodes involved some sort of external influence to allow us to see this glimpse into Spock’s torment and what he viewed as ‘paradise’ it didn’t detract from the meaning, it’s akin to one of us being under the influence of alcohol perhaps and being less inhibited with our words as we might be when we are sober.
It validated my connection to the character, the subtext of Spock’s hidden struggle that was mostly only alluded to in clever dialogue or subtle nuances in the brilliant way Leonard Nimoy brought the character to life now had substance and I had someone like me to connect to when I was feeling lonely.
And so, it became with all iterations of Star Trek, the outsider character always becoming my favourite. Data in The Next Generation, Seven in Voyager but none more so than this next character.
The character I related to more than any other watching Star Trek, Odo. I am Odo, Odo is me. Does the misanthropic shapeshifter, who deep down just has a lot of love to give and craves only to be accepted by those around him, sound familiar to my fellow gays?
From the very first episode of DS9 when Odo says…
“All my life, I’ve been forced to pass myself off as one of you…always wondering who I really am” (-Odo, The Emissary S01E01 – DS9)
Straight away reminds me of being young, when you already know you’re different, but you haven’t quite figured out in what way, so you go along pretending to be like everyone else.
Odo is so heartbreakingly relatable, no he wasn’t gay or keeping it a secret that he was a changeling, but in being so afraid of rejection or judgement because he was different, he didn’t truly live, he survived.
This sort of existence consists of observing others and being present in a group setting but certain it would make no difference if you weren’t. This leads to people judging you anyway and getting you completely wrong such as when Garak characterises Odo by saying
“There’s no feeling behind what you do, no emotion beyond a certain distaste for loose ends and disorder. You don’t know what it means to care about someone, do you? People are just interesting creatures…to be studied and analysed.” (-Garak, Improbable Cause, S03E20 – DS9).
I’ve lost count of the number of people who, when I was younger, believed me to be cold, uncaring, or even incapable of love just because I didn’t show any interest in the opposite sex, although I’m sure my shield-like grumpy exterior and insistence that I just wasn’t a people person didn’t help my cause.
Spock suffered the same misunderstanding with Bones never missing an opportunity to needle Spock about not having any feelings. His speech in ‘Requiem for Methuselah’ particularly stands out…
“You wouldn’t understand that would you Spock? You see, I feel sorrier for you than I do for him because you’ll never know the things that love can drive a man to the ecstasies, the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious failures, and the glorious victories. All of these things you’ll never know simply because the word ‘love’ isn’t written into your book.” (-Bones, Requiem for Methuselah, S03E19 – TOS)
As a fan watching the show, I knew both these men, like myself, were capable of deep love and affection but fully understood their deep-rooted fears in ever attempting to show it. The fear of rejection or judgement was very real as well as growing up in a time where casual homophobia was rampant in sitcoms and movies, you had to worry about your safety as well.
Was it any wonder we felt safer on the sidelines?
What made the portrayal of Odo’s character journey special was because through his relationship with Quark you have a character who calls him out on those fears when Odo is perhaps taking them too far…
“You know, Odo, I used to think all your problems stemmed from the fact that you were a Changeling – isolated from your own kind, forced to live among strangers who didn’t understand you. You couldn’t eat, you couldn’t drink, you couldn’t sleep, you couldn’t make love.
Was it any wonder you had such a bad disposition? But you’re not a Changeling anymore. You’re one of us. Life is yours for the taking, all you have to do is reach out and grab it. But do you? No. Because Solid or Changeling, you’re still a miserable, self-hating misanthrope. That’s who you are, and that’s who you’ll always be.” (-Quark, The Ascent, S05E09 – DS9)
Stay with me on the interpretation here but these cutting remarks by Quark were necessary. In Odo’s case, having become human he no longer had an excuse for not at least attempting to live life.
Whilst for me it wasn’t as simple as suddenly being straight, it was that I was ignoring the fact that I was surrounded by wonderful people, I knew I had a family and friends that would be supportive, and I was doing them a disservice by not trusting they would accept all of me and who I was.
The truth was it had become comfortable behind my armour, in a strange way I felt I was in charge of my own pain…yes, I was misunderstood but I’d chosen the mask in which I hid behind. But here was Quark laying it out as if he was talking through the screen directly to me.
And now we’ve hit the crux of why these characters and the world of Star Trek provided such comfort to this young man. The best part of having these ‘outsider’ characters to relate to was seeing how the characters around them accepted them, how even though they weren’t ready to accept themselves and be true to who they were they had loyal friends who supported them and in the case of Bones and Quark provided some tough love when needed.
Seeing Spock slowly become more comfortable with his mixed heritage and seeing the good in a few human qualities gave me the strength to embrace my own differences and seeing Odo flourish in his relationship with Kira and his ability to be more comfortable around his friends gave me hope and belief that putting myself out there as the authentic me, whilst it wouldn’t always be a walk in the park, would bring me happiness I’d never get from just observing life instead of living it.
This had been my journey with Trek, relating to the outsiders and seeing myself in them, then Modern Trek came long… First off, a shout out to an outsider character who was brought back to our screens, the badass Borg herself Seven of Nine.
In season 2 of Picard we got to see Seven as the main character again and this time she wasn’t the outsider, more part of a collective of outsiders (see what I did there!) but most importantly she was a fully integrated member of the group, oh and one other minor thing she was in a same-sex relationship!
Connection to a character had gone from reading between the lines to outright representation.
Seeing the journey of this particular outsider culminate in love and acceptance in both her recognition of becoming a Starfleet Captain and her romantic relationship, her queer romantic relationship was overwhelming and etched a little deeper into the love I have for this show into my heart.
Finally, this leads me to the pinnacle of my journey of connection with Star Trek characters. Through the positive showcase of these outsider characters throughout the tenure of Trek, I had found the confidence to trust in those around me and to believe in myself.
This has led to me living life and not always being the outsider, it’s a work in progress but one that moves in the right direction every day.
So, what happens when I look to Star Trek to connect with a character who isn’t an outsider? Step forward Dr Hugh Culber. A gay man of colour, just like me, is now appearing in my favourite universe. Someone I can connect to not through subtext but through the real fully visible representation of someone like me.
This really shows not just how far I’ve come on my personal journey where I can now connect with a character who is not the outsider but how far we’ve come as a society in that the gay character is not the outsider, in fact, he’s not even the only queer character on the crew or on the show.
Star Trek has always been willing to lead the line and dare I say ‘go boldly’ where other shows might not. Let’s not get carried away there will always be a need for outsider characters for people still finding themselves to connect to, and I myself will still take refuge from time to time in episodes of TOS or DS9 where Spock and Odo will still bring me comfort on days I’m not feeling so confident or ready to take on the world but knowing that I can also pull out Discovery and connect with an integrated well-adjusted member of the team and know that everything will be alright.
I opened this article with a quote, it seems right to close it with one, the words below aren’t profound or something you might print on a t-shirt, they’re of an ordinary conversation.
A simple domestic chat between two people in love, two gay men in love.
It is these everyday, taken for granted moments, that all outsiders hope will one day be theirs and this moment between Culber and Stamets showed this gay man that it’s time for us to be included and have those moments too.
CULBER: Oh, so you do listen to me.
STAMETS: Not really. You sold that with a look.
CULBER: Don’t do anything that stupid again. You may not care about you, but I do. You sure you feel, okay?
STAMETS: Yes, dear Doctor. I feel okay.
CULBER: Okay.
Article written by – Hayden Logan (he/him)
Hayden is an up-and-coming freelance writer. A gay man of mixed-race descent (Ghana and Northern Ireland), he currently resides in North London, UK. Outside of writing, Hayden is a data analyst by trade with a degree in Astrophysics. His favourite things include Football, Sci-Fi, reading and spending time with those closest to him. His early work can be found at https://medium.com/@hlogan10
You can find Hayden on Twitter and Instagram, both at @hloganwriter
